Joni made me laugh right out loud when I read her comment on my last blog post.

Dear Reader, it may take a little to get your head around this post. Try to go with me :>) To recap, I had visualized the latest cancer in my thigh as being like a snake with a knarled head. The surgeon told me after surgery that the tumor had three arms. When Joni pointed out a dear little snake on a walk last week, I told her I could never hurt such a dear little thing. I later envisioned a knarled-head being projectile-vomited from the mouth of this snake though. This knarled-head turned into three fists that then faced the snake. My mind traveled back back to my childhood. I thought of three uncles who had crossed my physical boundaries. I found myself hammering away at the three fists - crushing knuckles “Stay out of my boundary!” I had often thought of my uncles but never took a hammer to their hands before! After all, I loved them. How could I hurt them, even in my thoughts! Ah-ha. There’s the crunch. I might love them but the behaviour was not acceptable. Hammer. Hammer. Hammer. This is where the hoola-hoop comes in. Not only did I love to swing a hoola hoop around my waist, but the hoola-hoop represents the space around me - my boundaries.

I told Joni about the snake, the fists, the hoola-hoop and the hammer. She said, “Well it would be interesting if you took a sledge hammer to those fists - WHERE is your WARRIOR Barbara? Aries is definitely a warrior!” Back I went to the fists, hoisting a sledge-hammer with all my strength. I smattered the fists to pulp. Remember, these fists represented the cancer but evolved to represent other aspects of my life that need boundary protection. A week later I am sledge-hammering away at cancer, at the emotionally unavailable men I have allowed in my life, at my patterns of overwork. I am also sledge-hammering negativity away. Bring negative junk to the edge of my hoola-hoop -within my reach or earshot - and out will come the sledge-hammer (at least for now until I get better at this). This is exhausting emotional and mental work but I believe it is necessary for my survival. If the dear little snake is, for example, a big part of ME - then I will draw on the power of the snake. In this power I will go forward with boundaries intact. It’s also interesting that the Hoop of Hope is described by Carol Desjarlais on my website! Love Barbara

Just listening to a little “Cosmic American Radio” - Live 365. New Delhi Freight Train. Terry Allen. I love it ! I wanted to talk about the snake today. When I visited Joni on the weekend (after getting my hugs from the grandbabies), I did a lot of relaxing: I slept well all three nights, drifting off to the songs of frogs in spring. I ate good food. Drank some vino. Nuzzled the dog. Patted the cat. (They actually both slept in my room which struck me so funny.) Joni and I talked about my health. When I first had cancer six years ago I had caring, loving images of the tumor - I saw the cancer as part of my body. I released it gently and talk about that experience in Soul Gifts. Was I so kind to it, in my mind, that it came back? This time I have been in conflict with cancer. Angry. Discouraged. Sad. At my wit’s end. Bitchy. And I rejected spiritual support. (Oh - readers - Alison Krauss is crooning. I love her music. Check it out: Restless

When the cancer first presented this fall, I had an image of a knarl-headed snake pressing hard to get into my groin. (I even got a cane to remind me of this image). I could visualize myself twirling the snake over my head but could not release it as my friend Alice suggested. I was afraid the symbolism would be unkind and somehow be part of my approach to life in the future. Joni encouraged me to think about my boundaries. I told her about my year at the farmhouse. The whole village had an invasion by mice in the late summer of 2007. I was without compuncture about getting rid of the little vermits that wandered into the farmhouse. I asked Maggie Cat to help. I also squished every spider I came across. And when the ants started marching in, I set out ant traps. When Carol and I fed a feral cat, and the number of cats on the porch increased to five, I cut them off of food. How could I do that? I had to or could have attracted all kinds of wild animals to INVADE the boundaries of common sense, good health and safety. I also talked to Joni about my boundary-setting when it comes to people. For years I have heard that I give too much and it has suddenly struck me that maybe I do! Sometimes I have made it too easy for others to take advantage of me. I left Joni’s with “homework!” in the boundary-setting department.
Joni and I went for a stroll in a remote area, stepping along a boardwalk through marshy areas. We ate wintergreen berries. We marvelled at the colours of the swampy waters. She pointed out a dear little snake on our return up the woods path. I said, “OH Joni. See what I mean? How could I possibly hurt such a dear thing?” Joni suggested I ask my mind/body to present itself with an image that would allow me to let go of the snake. I will tell you about that tomorrow. In the meantime, I have to get my hoola hoop. Tell you more later. :>) I’ll sign off for now - listening to Paul Thorn’s I’m still here

Love Barbara

I am transitioning to a life where I take better care of my needs for good health. I have, in large part, Carol Desjarlais to thank for this awareness. During my early convalesence with her she spoke often to me about my need to slow down, to go gently after being visited by cancer a second time. I can’t help but think of her today as I am listening to James Blunt while I write. (She gave me the music as a gift) Once I was able to, Carol and I danced in the upper foyer of the farmhouse while she was here. We had so much fun.

Many others have administered this same message of slowing down, including my family - particularly my daughter. I struggled with this over the past few months and now am feeling more peace about it. This weekend I was with another friend who explored this same message. She helped me uncover some boundary issues I have not dealt with enough. Suffice to say - the weekend was profound for me in terms of self-discovery.

As I prepare for my move into my condo (rescheduled now to earlier date of May 29th ) I find the process not very stressful. I ordered my appliances from franchise owner Debbie at Sears in Fredericton North. She was very helpful (and I discovered she is a fellow RN). For instance, the trend is toward ceramic-top stoves. In my heart I wanted a coil-top stove as, to me, they seem easier to clean! My condo is also set up for a water spout in the fridge. Do I need or want the water spout? Debbie prodded me to think about my needs rather than trying to sell me the most expensive or trendy item in the store. I have chosen appliances that are basic, comfortable to me and that allow me ease of use (ie bottom mount freezer in the fridge). I have three men assigned to my move and my helper and friend Brent will join me for two days - so that I am taking care of me in the process. Tomorrow I do the inspection of the condo and my cousin will join me after - to discuss window treatments.

I will blog in another day or so about the dear little snake that presented itself during one of my walks over the weekend. What a gift.

On my shopping list tomorrow I have “hoola hoop”. I will tell you why I want a hoola hoop later ! Love Barbara

Today I made final decisions on appliances. I’m not going with all the bells and whistles as a lot of it is marketing hype in my opinion. I will place the order on Monday and my kitchen and laundry room will be outfitted within a week. They are adding a backspash to the kitchen area so overall it will be very pretty I think. Now if I can just figure out how to make my drapes fit without costing me an arm and a leg. I have a painter going in next weekend to add a little depth to the colours in the bedrooms and bathrooms - before the furniture arrives. This has been an easy process overall. It hasn’t required much energy.

Ran into an old nursing colleague today - a potential walking partner once I move as I will hit the walking track at Willie O’Ree Place. She goes there regularly. The presence of this new centre in the area in which I will live is neat; I speak about Willie’s legacy in my book: in 1958 he became the first black player in the National Hockey League.  I am pleased that Liberal MLA Kelly Lamrock (who will be my Honourable MLA of Premier Graham’s Cabinet) is introducing more art, music and physical fitness in school programming. I remember years ago when it was removed - a big mistake. Kelly has been battling controversy over the French Immersion program. It’s a touchy subject - Daughter went through it and is bilingual. Older Son had difficulty with it and had to be set back a year at the grade six level. This was hurtful to his self-esteem as his classmates went forward (but he excelled in sports at the time so that helped). Younger Son was introduced to French in Grade Four and caught the rhythm of the language but does not speak it as he is mainly in English speaking areas with his work.

This weekend I get a hug from the grandbabies and I can’t wait !!
Drove along some of the flooded areas of Greater Fredericton today. Lots of couches and other house-hold items by the roadside. Water is still higher than I expected it would be as well. Love Barbara

I met Older Son last evening for a sandwich and a coffee at Tim Horton’s. I had purchased two end tables and a coffee table at a yard sale (60 bucks - what a deal) so he was in the area to pick them up: solid maple and in good condition, as well as unique in design, they will be great for his own log cabin/home (and match the maple table and chairs I have put aside for him - I bought them for my first home). He has had his best winter in years. I have mentioned before here that he has a mental illness and life has held its challenges for  him (and those who love him). Older Son and I have a tradition on Mother’s Day. He was apologetic one year for “just” bringing me May Flowers. I told him those years ago how much they meant to me and every Mother’s Day I only want May Flowers from him. They are not easy to find and this year he said his usual stash was still under flood waters. But he hunted and I received my May Flowers !! I woke to their fragrance this morning.

In searching for the common name of May Flowers I connected with a blogger and he told me that traditionally every male has a secret spot where he knows where to pick them and he takes them to his sweetheart. While I am Older Son’s mother rather than his sweetheart I love the sentiment of this tradition.

Last year in May there was lots of busyness and emotion. Our family was wondering what to do for Mother’s Day but it all became abundantly clear when Mom fell and broke her hip on my watch. (We took turns with her in the hospital and she later died May 22 of 2007). I don’t want to be alone this Mother’s Day. There’s been a lot to cope with this year. Mom’s loss. The cancer in my leg. Recovery. The moves. And this condo purchase I am making doesn’t feel like a big deal but I guess it is. I am shooting down roots again for one thing …. anyway, guess what … I will be with family and friends over the weekend. Love Barbara

Friends and acquaintances have begun the clean-up following the flood. When the waters allow and the ground dries we will do our cottage area. We believe we are fine in terms of no water in the cottage. One of the house owners is here (where I house-sit) so we had a great gab last evening and over coffee this morning. We are going to stroll to the Nursery this afternoon. She heads back to USA in another day. The finance and lawyer folks are working through my condo purchase. I still have to decide on appliances. And we are hoping to paint a couple more rooms prior to move-in.

All’s well. Love Barbara

Update May 8 at 11:16 am: While the trend is stainless steel appliances I have opted for white. It will be white on white as my cupboards are white, however I will have colour relief in other ways. I am on the prowl for a new table as Older Son is getting mine and a friend received my china cabinet. I want a rectangular table that can seat 8 or so. Comfort. No china closet etc. Simplicity.

Here are flood pictures taken by my nephew. (Photos 1-14 are pics of my nephew dealing with his own property - he has survived unscathed in terms of his home in Fredericton - ducks swam on his front lawn though. Photos 15 onward are relating to the cottage community where our family has enjoyed summer gatherings for close to sixty years). Some of our fellow summer neighbours have been hit very hard. We are ok - so far. As long as there isn’t substantial rain to swell the water levels again, the River will recede and we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Brent is packing for me. I look forward to my condo move June 2. Sure did come together quickly. I am working away at choosing appliances. Love Barbara

Well the mighty St. John River is definitely showing its might. We have major flooding and the river watch is ernest now! We are heading for flooding that is similar to the Great Flood of 1973. I was in town today and it brings to mind just how powerful nature is. The old historic Beaverbrook Hotel (now known as the Crown Plaza) has closed and evacuated. The legislature has closed. The art gallery will be hustling to ensure all artwork is safe. Citizens are evacuating. My nephew lives along the River - a purchase within the past year. So we will see how it goes. Love Barbara

Update May 1/08 at 1:56 PM: There are no highways left in Maugerville. Much of downtown Fredericton is shut off from power and citizens are being asked to stay out of the area. Two family members have found their way through alternate routes to the family cottage; they are putting the furniture up on blocks and moving some of it to the bunkhouse which is on higher ground. In the meantime one sister manages a large call-centre for utilities -she’s having a very busy time of it. My nephew (as noted above) has a bird’s eye view of what is going on from his front window. He reports there are ducks swimming on his front lawn but as yet - no water in the basement. He’s been sending interesting pictures through. We have an “event” - no question about it. Yikes.

I am posting while I am nauseated because I don’t want to forget that I felt this way 3 1/2 months post op. This feeling has persisted in waves since surgery. It was the taxi ride to the airport three days after surgery that set it off! The nausea comes without bidding. I really believe it has to do with a childhood motion sickness. I often had to sit in the front seat of a car or would vomit during family outings. I have done a couple of things the past 24 hours that could have triggered the nausea. I leaned over the railing (just a bit) of a bridge sidewalk (I am acrophobic) to get a good hard look at the churning, high-level waters of the Nashwaak. Today I was scrolling through a website searching for a completer piece to my china. (I love dishes.) The bottom line is that both of these aspects involved motion and I think I am now suffering the results. So resting in bed with a gravol going to work in my system I thought, “Now what is it Barbara that you want for the rest of your life?” The answer is - “I don’t know!” I have never BEEN at this place before. EVER. (But I know one thing - a cruise sure doesn’t appeal to me.)
Nightie night. Swirling off to bed. Love Barbara

Update: April 30 at 8:55. I am going to talk with my doc about the vertigo/nausea business but in the meantime I slept almost straight through for nine hours. I feel much better this morning. A friend told me to use ginger tea for nausea and also she is going to elaborate on acupuncture points for nausea on the midriff and arms. I am meeting another person for lunch today in town. A little outing. Love Barbara

I am very level-headed, yet, for about fifteen years now I have been acutely mindful of co-incidences in my life. With tongue in cheek I introduced this in my book to readers - as a way of touching on the roads available to us if we “listen”. I was told by a senior family member what to expect as her life had always been similarly touched. She told me that the co-incidences will get closer and closer together.
All considered though, I have periods of confusion as my physical energy lags behind the paths that open up to me (spiritual direction? Choices). For instance, when do I move? It seemed perfectly reasonable and sensible that I might move in September but there is a pull within me that says I must consider moving earlier. So this confusion sets off a sense of overwhelm. A good friend reminded me today, “Barbara, you will know when to make your actual move just like you knew your condo when you opened the door to it (and knew it was yours).” She’s right of course. I don’t have to rush to make the decision. What would we do without friends!?
My energy this morning is saying: Oh my - today you need to do nothing but REST. I want to go to a concert in a church hall this evening - local musicians. I believe its a benefit concert. They do a lot of that in the country - helping families with emergencies such as medical costs not covered by the system. I saw the grandchildren yesterday. They brighten my aspect so much. Such dears. Love Barbara