Yesterday I picked up Older Son from the hospital.  The sun was shining and you could see some “snow melt”. We drove along the St. John River and listened to rich melodies that I had picked up in the Emerald Isle. We spotted a wind surfer - it was magical to watch him so high in the sky. We followed him until we reached the Mactaquac Dam.  He began his descent for landing and Older Son and I headed to the hotel restaurant. We had a lovely dinner (pesto scallops) toasting to our good health with clean water while overlooking the river.

We returned along the beloved St. John River once again … and Older Son gave me a hug before returning to his unit. Oh what a WONDERFUL three hours we had.  I will remember it the remainder of my life.  I told Older Son I would get him a copy of the music so he could always remember our time together by simply listening to the tunes.    Now this is only a week from the darkest of days as I was so concerned for Older Son.  I had to let go and hand it over to God. And look what happened!

Then later in the evening I had the film-makers in for a visit. (They landed from New York City and are working on the Agent Orange film.)  Pamela also dropped over as she will be doing stills photography for them. I am having a little reception for about twenty-five people tomorrow. I have sprinkled orange mum’s throughout the house.  I will be interviewed and filmed for the project …  talking about “orange” as I experienced it during my first cancer experience. I will also read from my childhood diaries.

Next week I will probably be headed to Stanley to talk with my employer. The week after - I hope to start a gradual return to work.

So today I end my blog. The snow has returned. But it is a wet snow (it will dissapate) and spring is not far behind it. I hope you will continue to enjoy my main website. Bookmark it! I have enjoyed my time - sharing with you. It’s time to move into service in other ways and begin a new chapter. I wonder what is in that chapter?

Remember — whenever the day or moment seems darkest there is hope.   You can always contact me through my website here. Shandarrah’s Place.

Barbara  aka Shandarrah (with a loving wink)

THIS BLOG IS NOW CLOSED TO FURTHER ENTRIES AND COMMENTS. VISIT MY WEBSITE

WWW.SHANDARRAH.COM

You may contact me here.

Update: June 15/09 I have applied for Canada Pension  Disability and have asked to be reinstated for Disability with Blue Cross.  Dealing with insurance companies can be stressful but I have made up my mind I will enjoy the “now”. My attempt at back to work left me barely able to stand. All the dizziness symptoms returned so I am going slowly - learning to walk life at a different pace. It’s a new experience and I am living off savings at the moment. Yikes.  I am thankful to have some savings and have been pondering the plight of those who don’t.  Barbara

I have been pampered and done some self-pampering following surgery a year ago (a full 14 months ago !!) … I do not want any more pampering!! At least for awhile. Oh sure, I will still take care of my toes and my fingers and be good to myself but I am sick of being pampered. I have been given a spa package and I am going to re-gift it to somebody who needs it more than I do.

It feels self-indulgent to continue in a self-pampering way. I am now strong enough to serve others again … in a way that will be good for me.  Onward ho. It is time to get back to my roots.  Off the computer and with a pencil in hand to jot my poetry … sketch my thoughts visually. And to move forward with my life.

Update May 28/09 I lost my permanent nursing position because of medical restrictions. I wonder what the future holds? (Maybe I should use the spa package !)

I feel more connected/in sync with my body than I think I ever have. It’s like my body/mind/soul have all come together finally in an agreement to be as strong as WE can be at a core level.

Three “weird” things happened during this very tough week around Older Son’s illness. Let me tell you I have had some very dark moments and by times have felt I do everything absolutely WRONG. Yesterday I walked down the aisle of a local store. There was my employer. We had a grand talk !! Then I ventured to the next store. Behind me in the aisle was a former nursing colleague who knows all about Older Son and his illness. What blessing. She looked like a frigging angel to me - and then come to find out her daughter is a neighbour of the curly-headed man. Small world. And to top it off, I need to go for a chest x-ray today just to make sure the cancer has not spread at all ( I am confident I am ok but this is an examination I should have yearly to make sure as Liposarcoma will jump to lung/brain/bones … wheeeoooo aint that dandy.) The third thing that happened is my neighbour and I talked … only to discover that we both have chest x-rays booked for almost the same time later today.  So we are going together. I do not walk alone. I have struggled so much this week. But God’s love has come along and surrounded me. That’s how I look at it anyway.

Love Barbara  See: www.shandarrah.com

Denial. A refusal to grant the truth of a statement or allegation. A refusal to accept or believe something. The act of disowning or disavowing. Repudiation.  Refusal to admit the truth or reality. Refusal to acknowledge a thing or person. (As per a google search specific to definition).

For many years I have worked hard to understand my life. Then somebody put it in perspective for me this week. It was like “YES OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.”  I decided I would have a gathering of environmentalists, conservationalists, folks from the arts, politicians, Agent Orange sufferers, activists … to come together in a welcoming space - where differences can be put aside and all can meet face to face with the energy of filmakers who are travelling in to our Province for a month - from New York. The reception grew.  It seems there will be a healthy turnout this Thursday - a day after this blog will close.

It is unthinkable that I have had illnesses of vague origins for many years - See Agent Orange Legacy .  Not until the Liposarcoma hit, in my fiftieth year, did the real truth begin to reveal itself - at least as science has shown.  At the very least - as an aldolescent I had been in the path of chemical exposure. I have had (twice) an Agent Orange cancer.

A woman I have not yet met talked to me about illness via email. She said,  “One of the worst things about illness, I think, Barbara, is that it makes us feel emotionally weak — even when what we are rightly feeling is physical weakness. Other people’s ignorance then has so much more power than it deserves.”

This statement was an epiphany for me - a huge unveiling that smacked me between the eyes. I had been telling Betsy that it makes me feel a little guilty applying for the Merchant Law Agent Orange Class Action (I am now a litigant) and the Agent Orange  ex-gratia (which to date I have been refused).  I told Betsy “That is my internal fight. So many had it worse than me and were in the direct line of spray. I was on the fringes where concentration would not have been quite as bad …  every time I had to go on disability (four times in my life now) … I fought this feeling of being weak and some sort of emotional basket case or something as people couldn’t find the answers to a lot of the aches and pains initially. So it has been tough. Just plain tough. Period. I will be really interested to find out about [the Agent Orange et al] spray effects in waterways and if it was liable to have gone into Grand Lake as I have been there all my life when not on the farm - in the summers.”

And Betsy said … Of course you are right to apply for the payments and be involved in a class action suit. Of course none of this should have happened to you or to anyone - and should never be denied and fudged and generally covered up so that you are left feeling responsible rather than the people who did this in the first (second and third) place. If we don’t make governments pay, they don’t pay attention. The dollar always speaks - so I hope that when you feel bad about pursuing this, you do remember the bigger picture, which is what this is all about: making people pay attention to what we are allowing to be done to “the land” and “us”. Thank you for being big enough and strong enough to care so much about all the big issues this situation brings up. I never thought about the whole of Grand Lake itself. Oh, my. Arteries and vessels of the earth’s body. Poison. A friend of mine spent years trying to find out what was wrong with her and doctor after doctor told her it was all in her head. Then she found an alternative practitioner who diagnosed her immediately and started a course of treatment. Shortly after, a traditional practitioner said, “Oh, yes. The new research identifies this allergy and its responses,” and suddenly she was re-instated into acceptability. When people are forced to acknowledge Agent Orange on a person level, I think your life is going to feel much easier even though recovery is rocky. Good for you. And thank you.  - Betsy.”

Well Betsy seems to be saying what I personally needed to hear. Many are coming to my reception. I will be smudging my space before and after. I talk about the micro and the macro in Soul Gifts - available to read here.

Thank you Betsy.

It is not easy.  Often I am misunderstood. But what is that saying ? It is more important to understand than to be understood. I will pray for serenity around that. I also ask your prayers for Older Son who has struggled a lot this past month.

Love Barbara  See: www.shandarrah.com

I have made some decisions today that have been slow coming. First of all - March 11 will be my final blog post. I will be starting a gradual return to work in about a week and want to focus all my energies on my registered nursing responsibilities until my retirement.  I am happy when I nurse. I had a dizzy spell which I believe is from personal stress in my life (Older Son is not well at the moment) and it was a good reminder to me that I have to keep my priorities firmly in focus.

My second decision is that I am going to replace any project-type writing with exercise for a full year. I may never do a full project again!  I will still have my poetry - that will never be lost - and I’m sure I will scratch on paper all my life. Other writers will know that projects often come at a high emotional and physical cost.  I would like to focus more on my artwork and teaching what I have learned along the way. So we will see what develops!

I will shortly be in receipt of Blowback by Chris Arsenault.  I will write a review of sorts for the front page of my website (which shall remain intact) and that will be my final writing project for the upcoming year and maybe much longer. I can’t wait to see how strong I can make my body and the impact it may have on my life overall.

It’s time to play! It’s time to play.

Love Barbara

Update May 27/09: I didn’t cope all that well with return to work and as for play … well forget THAT … so I am coming to terms now with not being able to work at all probably and resting for two weeks … dizziness has returned. DARN. Onward. Barbara

Just listening to IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY. I love the energy of this Canadian rock group. The beat and the rhythm — the melodies, the words. I wonder what they could do with Shandarrah’s Chant ? !! (hee hee)

I will take it easy today. The rain didn’t arrive. It has snowed instead. SURPRISE.  The reality is that while many are sick of winter I am just overjoyed that I am not having a winter like LAST year. AND I am up to 19 minutes on the cross trainer at the YMCA.  I bought two new fresh scrub pants and will hem this weekend for my slow return to work.

I am organizing (I have help) a little reception for March 12 - private, non-partisan and off the record, to pull together those with tons of footage on the Agent Orange file, the area conservationists, maybe couple media, arts community, activists … and introduce them to Gregg and Danny who travel to the area March 8-9 for a month of interviewing and filming.  I think I will serve only bread, cheese and wine at the reception.  There is nothing like breaking bread  to help people stay together in thought once they go their separate ways.

Maybe I should invite Nickelback to the reception. Ha. Just kidding folks. Just kidding. Life is good though - isn’t it? If we just take it moment by moment.

See my website front page and my relationship to the Agent Orange legacy.

Love Ya … Barbara

Update: At two the sun has come out ! I think I will go for a walk !

Today I had spa music playing and closed most of my blinds. I lit candles. Took two hot baths to soothe me.  Lavendar. Epson Salts. I ate fruit. Salad. Soy. Drank lots of water. I pet my dear old Maggie Cat. I had a migrane you see. I believe this came on because I became so excited yesterday with my report of good health. I have been holding back - not able to dream about the future. I remember telling my doctor this shortly after surgery. My migrane is almost resolved with only regular Tylenol taken once this morning.

I do live mainly in the now. But this past year has taught me that while I enjoy the “now” it is also nice to know that there is a future. I felt so sick at points during the past year that I truly thought I was going to die - that my time was close at hand. Just around the corner. Now I think I may have a good stretch ahead.

There is another storm headed our way.  I have cleared the winter decor I keep in my windows. Tomorrow I will bring in some daffodils if I can find them. Spring promises much this year.  Last year at this time I look back and am able to see my progress even through tough times.

There is a lot happening on the Agent Orange front.  This is becoming a huge movement globally with many very dedicated people. People have not yet fully awakened to the harm of chemicals. There is great hope though.  Great hope.  Pray my friends for denial to be removed from us all in matters of our personal and global health.  May we be mindful of our need to find balance of mind, body and spirit.

From my home office I am doing all I can to assist the documentary film crew who will arrive in town for a month. I find my old planning skills are coming into play as I conceptualize possibilities for them. They land in about a week.  I have agreed to read from my diaries for them. (Could land on the cutting room floor but the experience will be interesting don’t you think?) I feel they have a very solid approach and will tell a truthful story, if not a pretty one.

Love Barbara

I had a great report from the doctor this morning. And I am really feeling so much BETTER. It’s amazing how fast things have come this month.  I believe I am fully recovered from liposarcoma surgery now ! YEAH. All my numbers are good except the cholesterol is still not great. But the HDL is good so the combination has me not requiring med yet. I will do what I can on that score.It may be genetic.

Ain’t life grand !! I would not be in a hurry to repeat 2008 again though !!

Check out my web’s front page and download a book for free or read about the Agent Orange Legacy.

Love Barbara

That was one storm! I am about to go out the door and see the damage for myself. Run a couple of errands. I worked on my website this morning and guess I will also have to do those exercises at the Y today. Darn!! Ha.

I have started to roll my poetry out here.  And I keep tweaking the Agent Orange material.

Love Barbara

Well that’s a humdinger of a winter storm we have going on … I am glad to be tucked in - warm and safe in my condo.  Hope we hold our power. Last year I watched the storms from the old farmhouse in Stanley.  I dreamed I visited it last night.

I had the grandbabies and my daughter here this weekend. Family dropped in to get their “Annie and Annie Fix”. They are so darned cute. I love them to bits. Two and four. Daughter told me she wants another one. Oh my. Maybe two !! Double “Oh my”!

I have done quite a lot on the front page of my website to highlight the Agent Orange legacy. I have also been approached by the producer of the documentary film about reading my diary for the camera. We will see.

Today I would like to get some of my poetry up on my website. I have to figure that out !! I am also due at the Y as my fitness program has started there. I did four fifteen-minute sessions on a cross-trainer last week. I sweat buckets. But I DID it (even though I just DREADED it!). My coach is impressed with the strength in my leg. I worked hard on strengthening the leg after surgery. I have to be careful of not flaring the fibromyalgia. Fine line. I will start a slow return to work in a few weeks. Sometime in March. I want to work until I am sixty (I think anyway - ha).

Love Barbara

I wanted to point out that my website is carrying links to diary excerpts of mine from 1964 and 1966.  This shows my presence at my grandparents’ farm. You might want to download them and take a step back into some of my youth.

See diary excerpts here.

As I recover from my surgery … fourteen months now - I am finally feeling stronger.  I hope my work with exposing the potential harm of poisons will help lessen suffering in the future. I had given a half finished quilt to Nashwaak Villa where Mom died and where I nursed and will return slowly in the next month. They called to tell me the residents and people from the area have almost finished it. I am thrilled. It will be such a nice addition for the home.

Love Barbara