I have planted some perennials so we can enjoy the growth next spring. I have connected with old friends that are here in Moncton and am trying to keep up to family and old friends back in my home town.  In the meantime Daughter and I are managing to get the house pulled together here.  (I rock Malcolm while she does this or that).  I much prefer this environment to the condo. I walked out the back or front door and hit the ground.  It feels homey to me. The grandchildren are so delightful. They play me out I have to admit. I was sacked out on couch Saturday afternoon when my five year old was visiting.  He told his mother I was quite boring that day.  But he asked me to go for a walk so that has to be worked in this week. I told them no overnights until Friday though as I need some catch-up rest time.

I find I am smiling a great deal lately ! Even laughing !  Love Barbara

I have no time to connect with all my friends at the moment and know several check here - so this is the latest. (I will be in touch soon).

I fixed up my front stoop with red geraniums and french tarragon as I love that tarragon,  a welcome mat, a white-lit tree, a table and two chairs. It’s homey and I sat there this morning reading my paper while the rain gently fell. Is there anything better. Waving to neighbours on their way to work etc. This community is full of young energy. Vibrant with children and adults who are procreating !  It’s wonderful. Few oldies like me around. Ha.

I will probably use the front stoop more than the patio.

We await the landscapers as they can’t do much with the ground wet. The fence is ready for boarding in.

Barbara

As I get settled in I am mindful of how fortunate I am to have the little ones. I witnessed the baby roll over for his first time yesterday and he nuzzles into my chest now. Bonding big time. He falls asleep in my arms when he is ready for his naps. The oldest (5) told me I was the best grammie ever as we had breakfast at the market and the little girl (3) is such a bubble of energy.  Blond and blue eyed.  I find I am teaching them things about life.

I bought flowering trees and flowering shrubs for the property here.  The landscapers are putting it all in for me. I hope to be here awhile and have landlords/neighbours who are just lovely. The children are all playing together.

And I am really enjoying my air conditioning. Love Barbara

I have truly landed now in Moncton.  The house I am renting is more or less organized. I am glad I have rented and will confirm the lease for two years. No television or stereo or computer yet but that will come in time. The fencing starts this week. The sod then goes down. I won’t get much gardening done this summer but I will make sure I have a few posies.

Maggie Cat’s remains are ready. I saw a bubble in the bedding one day and thought, “OH - that is Maggie Cat” as she used to crawl under the covers. And I still “hear” her asking for a meal but most of the time I am ok with it all.

Daughter, the grandchildren and I spent nine days at the cottage after my initial move - it was busy but lovely to just decompress. A lovely woman helped organize and clean my home (semi-detatched and new so lots of dusty stuff) while away. I was beat and it was wonderful to have her help me. I met her on the walking trail, no less!

Life is going to be good for me here. I can feel it. Love Barbara

Dear Readers,

During the moving process to Moncton I noticed Maggie Cat’s belly was swelling. I left her Sunday night in Daughter’s care as I had to go to Fredericton to finalize the move. My five-year old grandson went with me and kept me company all day yesterday. Maggie Cat worsened during the overnight and by yesterday afternoon Daughter took her to the vet.  She was diagnosed with tumors and swelling due to body fluids leaking into her abdominal sac. Daughter was told Maggie Cat would only have a few days to live.   She slept by my head last night - where she usually has arrived every night after I turn off the lights (but not until). We had a great sleep, cuddled close together.

I took her to the vet this morning, after she had a good meal, some loving good-byes from the children and lots of loving from me.  I felt no raw emotion. (The nurse in me kicked in I think. ) She was purring and content throughout the morning.  Daughter told me it [the emotion] would hit later. And it did. In the doctor’s office I started to weep for this dear cat who was down to 7.3 pounds -  approximately half of that weight being from the accumulated fluid. But she had spirit right up until the end. Her last food was cheese. She loved cheese. She just laid her sweet head down around ten this morning. She did not protest any step along the way. It was a beautiful morning with a lovely breeze and sunshine. I told her it was a good day to die.

Last evening I asked my faithful companion of nineteen years to visit me in my dreams after she passed over. I told her to enjoy her life on the other side and named my other cats already there. I asked her to visit with them. While I have always been a fan of cats I never had one with me as long as Maggie Cat. I told her I loved her with all my heart. And I said good-by to her until my time comes to join her in the hereafter.

Maggie Cat was the runt of her litter. She didn’t start growing until she was about eight or nine months of age. But she ended up a beautiful, long-bodied cat who was affectionate and loyal. I will miss her. Her passing was very peaceful. We will have a prayer for her at dinner with the children and when we receive her cremated remains our family will have a funeral service for her. My grandson played her a farewell song today on his little electronic piano. It is his idea that we need to have a funeral.

And today - in a few hours - my movers arrive. Maggie saw me through to the end. Making this big transition in my life a little easier. I have three grandchildren to cuddle up to now. And life begins again as I let go of the old.  I will miss my Maggie Cat. She is immortalized in Soul Gifts: The World’s Self-Help Book.

Thank you Maggie Cat - Love Mommy  (Previous Posts Regarding Maggie Cat’s Journey 2010 - click on the category Maggie Cat )

P.S. at 3:40 PM — Waiting to get into the house I will be “borrowing” - to put it in my grandson’s terms. (I am renting until we know what we are doing as a family). I am a bit emotional about Maggie Cat. I can’t believe she is gone. A friend believes she will journey with me in Spirit. I believe she will too.

P.P.S. The movers and closing of the house finally arrived by five today and so I got them started, gave them the key and said “see you tomorrow”. I had a melt down this afternoon. In my grandaughter’s enthusiasm to see me late this aft she ploughed me a good one directly on the bridge of my nose. It hurt like all get out. I then went to my room and bawled my eyes out. So it’s relaxation time with the children this evening. And no Maggie Cat by my head. I don’t think I will like that very much.

I move in five more sleeps. Sacking out with the children at present as whew - the packing process was a process of many weeks - handing off things to others etc.   My drapery rods and drapes go up on the weekend in Moncton and the movers arrive Monday.  I am already decorating in my head.

Friends are already planning visits with me in Moncton. Probably enjoy more quality time with them now that I will not be as close. 

I have had high readership on my blog and site this past week from various points in the world. What am I to do? I guess I will keep it open to viewing /reading and just not work on it. Then see where things go.  I need a rest from it and also want one-on-one and face-to-face conversations etc. Not just digitally!

One thing I have decided - I am not going to be alone. I have been single for twenty years and my children left the nest years ago. I have enjoyed times of solitude over the past two decades as I was busy as a working woman. And I will always need a certain amount of space. But I am done with so much solitary time. The grandchildren will make sure I am not far out of sight I think.  They make me laugh a great deal. 

Love Barbara xo

ell just when I am ready

So the little house I was to live in - in Moncton - well it didn’t work out. It’s a long story but let’s just say  I didn’t want to get caught in the middle of a scenario. So my daughter and I did a tour of six more places. Life is always an adventure and, like most of my life, things tumble into place somehow. The day I knew there was a problem with the little house a couple listed a semi detatched for rent. It is new and closes June 15 as does my condo sale.  I am heading into a three-bedroom, 1 and 1/2 bath home  (so much for downsizing).  I have had input on window blind colours and appliances.  I will have owners living next to me which is a secure feeling. It’s an end-to-end unit so our front doors aren’t visible to each other.  It is a less than fifteen minute walk to my daughter’s on the trail system. Lovely really. The kids are excited.

I have been punky for the past day or so. I thought just overtired but perhaps a touch of flu I am guessing.  So in this state I sacked out on couch last eve and watched the review and conclusion of LOST. I loved the ending …  I didn’t expect a “satisfactory” ending - more of an ending that left the viewer really wondering. But this ending was clear enough. Everybody was dead and close to the light. I loved it !!!

I am happy about my move. I know this is the right thing to do. I love being around the little ones and a dear old friend and I have already connected by phone. We are going to be geographically close and how lovely for both of us. We are excited.

The day of my move I am going to ask my web helper to put my website and all on hold. I will wait one year to see if I want to do anymore with it. So we will see what transpires.

A new chapter in life is about to begin.  Love Barbara

I was telling a friend that I feel guilty for wanting to capture some of the energy from my grandchildren. She reminded me that they have scads of it and I don’t have to feel guilty for this. The neighbourhood I am moving to in Moncton is new. It has a mixture of young and not so young. There will be a lot of children, including my three little grandchildren. My energy seems depleted compared to just two years ago so I can’t help but look forward to the energy level that little ones bring.  My grandson said, “Grandma - you can make cookies for us.”  I think I might get those tubs of dough rather than starting from scratch. Ha ! This computer I have been working on for a few years now is going to my daughter’s. I have a little emachine which is all I will need for the next while I think. I may use the laptop a bit too but ah - I am simplifying. Gone - speakers and surround sound and and and … simplify simplify.  Love Barbara

Love Barbara

am going through all sorts of feelings. Grief over leaving my beautiful city of Fredericton where I know so many crooks and crannies like the back of my hand. 59 years here.  I am downright scared. But I think Melody Beattie says to feel the fear then do it anyway.  Fredericton is where I will be cremated and buried in due time along with my parents as mom was sure I would need to be with them. Comical really. Fredericton is where my feet have walked the streets to schools, where I have written extensively and where I have loved and lost, loved and lived.  It’s only 1 1/2 hours away to Moncton but it seems miles away from where I bore my children. And yet the draw of my daughter’s family is a big one for me.  The energy of the little ones is contagious and infectious. And fun! As one friend put it …”I will be getting big daily doses of giggles and hugs and one on one with the little ones”  I am not setting up an office in the little room with bay windows in the front. My desk is going into storage. I will leave Fredericton with about a dozen favourite books. That is it. The rest are for donation. So this room will be a conservatory … for painting and reading and maybe for performances by the children. I shall put Beethoven in this room.

It’s very cute. Small but doable.  I can sleep at my daughter’s if friends which to visit. She will, after all, be only five doors away !  Barbara xo

Love Barbara

Dear Readers,

I spent the weekend with my daughter and son ‘n law and the three little ones.  I witnessed Malcolm (3 months) find his fingers. We spent a lot of time practicing how to laugh together. That baby giggle is infectious. My older grandson gave me a concert. I was expecting a sweet child’s ballad but he surprised me as he stood upon the stage (a stool normally positioned for the children near the sink). Using a maraca as a microphone he belted out “HEY BABY” … in a gravelly voice. Where did he learn THAT!? He is five now. He also presented me with a drawing of the condo  … and the two of us walking and smiling toward the door of the condo. My condo window had a yellow light around it. He said the picture was to help me remember all the good things there. Then he said, “And Grandma - it’s going to even be BETTER (more fun) here.” My grandaughter and I put make-up on several times, played dolls and went for a walk. We had our baths together - scrubbing each other down.  She is something else. A chip off her grandma’s block !!

I  negotiated a rent in a brand new little house five doors from my daughter’s … it is only about 1100 square feet - all I need. We will see what a year brings. I may buy it then.  This is a good interim measure.

Now about my website and blog.  I will take some time to have it digitally saved for posterity and we will keep it up until August - at which point we will put it on hold or let it go.

There’s change afoot.  I asked a friend why I felt so ambiguous about the Shandarrah writing etc.  And she captured it well for me. She told me that the process had been about my identifying who I really am.  Readers haven’t seen much of that writing.

I miss daily/weekly direct contact with my family. I don’t want to be alone anymore - I have had plenty of that over the years and managed well - even enjoyed it by times, learning to be ok with just me, myself and I. During two cancers this past decade I also had to spend a lot of time alone. But I have to tell you that having the children  close will make me very happy. I am  lucky to have a good relationship with my daughter and son ‘n law. How blessed am I !!

NOW - to get into training. I need to be able to keep up with the wee ones !!! They run circles around me.

Love Barbara  (Mama - I am thinking of you in the Ever After.)