Trust. Lies. They don’t go hand in hand. I fumbled onto a discovery last evening that Younger Son lied to me through omission. He told me he no longer trusted me as I had divulged to family members what he considered to be private information. I was bragging about him to my family - yet he interpreted this as my untrustworthiness. This resulted in his holding back information about his life when the subject was grazed on various occasions over the past several months. I am concerned. I need to look at my part in all of this yet I can’t own it all. It is human nature to lie. It is a very large challenge to live a completely honest life. My old friend Jim Goodspeed - one of the voices within my book - told me once I was a bit too honest. I went to bed with a heavy heart last night. I will need to spend time in serious reflection today.
As I have mentioned before, I am part of the Agent Orange Class Action Litigation. The Association is demanding a public inquiry - to uncover the truth. What is the greater poison - the spraying that was done … or an alleged coverup? One thing we can be guaranteed perhaps is that the legal community may prosper from the litigation far more than any of those who have signed on to the class action. That doesn’t really bother me. Sometimes getting to the truth of the matter comes at a price. For myself - the price has been my health. But I am strong by gum. I believe in perseverance and an approach to life that involves mind over matter. And lots of prayer.  Love Barbara

A great accomplishment for fitness in Stanley is walking The Stanley Hill. Now this is one big sucker of a hill … a steeper incline than the hill at Cross Creek (which we have also done - it is longer and just as hard in my opinion). I have been walking half of the Stanley Hill to work since I moved to the community in May of this year. Last evening I walked the hill with the “Boot Camp” group then we did exercises at the top of the hill - under the stars. It was glorious. So cleansing after my twelve-hour shift. I am generally in good health I think. Just that darned mass on my leg. I touch it and think … oh maybe it will just disappear. So far it is still there. :>)
I am coasting as I wait for my MRI. Will give the hospital a call by Tuesday of next week if I have not heard about the booking. I am not anxious to move things along too quickly as I kind of know in my heart I may be off my feet for awhile. IN THE MEANTIME I will walk with the ladies again today at four. THE RED ROCK ROAD. And the colours of autumn still are breathtaking. It’s heaven here.
Love Barbara

Last night I stayed the night at Daughter’s. I wanted to spend time with the grandbabies as well as meet with my investment advisor and accountant early today. As for the estate- planning and all that, (my will and power of attorney have been done for many years) I wanted to know how things would be handled if I died in two years “for instance”. I know - it’s morbid. BUT I want to get my act together before heading for surgery IF surgery is necessary. Just common sense really.

I felt restless when I went to bed last night. The house went on the market yesterday. So many memories there - my post-divorce home and it really was a place to heal emotionally. I become more aware of my leg by the end of the day. I have been attributing pain to fatigue of the leg rather than the undiagnosed mass pressing against parts of my anatomy it perhaps ought not be pressing against. I climbed out of bed sometime after midnight, got dressed, then snuck out the kitchen door. Shhhh. Must not wake everybody. I went for a drive and pumped up the music. I trolled the streets searching for an open store. FOUND ONE. I bought some Tylenol and a small tub of Ben and Jerry’s. When I went back to Daughter’s I climbed into bed. I swallowed the Tylenol and dug a plastic spoon into chocolate chip cookie-dough ice cream. I know, I am a class act. Daughter sent me home today with a book about living without sugar and remaining cancer free.
Speaking of cancer, the Agent Orange Association marked another milestone with our Class Action Litigation. One step at a time. Keeping time. Tick-tock-tick-tock and the time goes marching on … I work the night shift tomorrow night. Love Barbara

Daughter was here with the grandchildren and said, “Mom, maybe it is time to make an extreme lifestyle change”. I agreed. In my book the subject of change is discussed at length. I have to say that in most areas of my life I feel soothed. Happy. The one remaining area that feels unresolved for me is diet. There has been lack of discipline on my part. It is just so darned easy to eat the sugary stuff. My body CRAVES it. My immune system needs to be constantly boosted - not compromised. So today I took a substantial step on this journey. I am traveling this journey with a new friend in Stanley and Daughter. I am reading “Staying Alive - Cookbook for Cancer-Free Living” by Sally Errey. Daughter and I cooked. We went for a walk. I played with the children. It will probably be eight weeks before the sugar craving finally ceases. Dairy products are going. Caffeine is going. I will be juicing to give my body the best it can have. I talked about the need to let go of sugar in my book … that if I didn’t get rid of my addiction then my body would become unwell again.

One of the members of the Agent Orange Association sent me some music today. Maria de Verdade. I LOVE it!! It will keep me company while I am waiting for my MRI which has been booked for Monday. I have asked a local surgeon to operate if it is necessary.

Very sad news today. A registered nurse I worked with at York Manor died this morning. It came as a shock. Taken before her time it would seem … but nonetheless - her time arrived. I will gather with the other nurses when we receive the details. Some of the staff are heart-broken. Love Barbara

I have discovered Folk Alley Dot Com

I am awake this night … waiting is never easy. My MRI is complete and the results will be announced soon. I floated for most of Monday - zoned out on Ativan. Later that day I met a woman who is considering a gallery opening and she may want my paintings. Time to MOVE EM OUT. The new MRI machine in Fredericton is made by General Electric … a household name - ahhhhhh. It is new and I guess I was one of the first to have the opportunity to use it as they were still adjusting settings.
During the MRI I went in my mind to each of the rooms at York Manor - the 200 bed long term care facility where I worked with Judy. I went into the nursing stations. The gathering areas. I prayed for all those in those spaces. I prayed in my mind for those in the church pews. I thanked Judy for her time in my life. It is hard to believe she is gone. I prayed for all those who worked with Judy. It took over an hour - these prayers. I prayed for Judith’s family. I prayed for her friends. I did not attend the wake. At the last minute I decided my body would not be well served by the long line-ups. At the moment I have to put myself first and frankly - I knew there would be such sorrow I did not want to see the tears of my colleagues on the eve of my MRI. I might start crying and never stop. I wanted my mind as clear of emotion as possible for the MRI. I am slightly claustrophobic and the first time I had the exam I was an absolute wreck. They warned me NEVER to go through it again without ATIVAN. So that is what I do!
Tonight I am thinking of my colleagues with the Agent Orange Association. There is so much more to the group than I imagined. The people are lovely.

I have a twelve hour shift ahead so I must try to get a few more zzzzzzzzzzzz’s. Stoked both fires. Love Barbara (See my website here)
Status October 31 at 2000 hrs: Called MRI Department of hospital late today. My MRI has been read. I will give the doctors until Friday then get on the horn. I hate to be pushy. Seems to me though that no news is good news? Let’s hope so! I need to get more kindling to start my fires. A job for tomorrow. May harvest some grapevine as well before it is too late. I left a huge pot of goodies for the Halloweeners as I worked all day. It must be just about empty now. Maggie Cat is antsy with all the noise on the front porch. Barbara

I had myself convinced over the weekend that my leg was fine. (Denial can feel great!)

My leg stings a lot lately. Especially at night. It almost feels as though the old incision line where I could feel nothing is coming alive again. Anyway - I am headed to surgery. ASAP they say and will be talking with the surgeon again today. This is being treated as a probable liposarcoma recurrance although we won’t know for about three weeks after surgery as the mass has to be sent for analysis. It could be benign but the chances are … it will be malignant. After excision these tumors then become part of a tumor bank in Canada - for rare tumors. I am filling out medical materials. Insurances etc.

Much to do before heading to surgery. There is sometimes an option for chemo pre-op to shrink the tumor but I don’t want to subject my body to that. I will accept radiation following surgery if it proves to be malignant. And I am advising the surgeon to cut as deep and wide as he has to. I will deal with any impairment later. Awfully close to my groin and the seat of lymph nodes. That is a concern for me. I still plan on attending the November 29th launch of Harry L. Gill’s war letters: “Hurricane Pilot” but may miss my son n law’s graduation in Regina. The book launch will be a goal to achieve post surgery. Love Barbara

I am about to go to the post office. I have applied for the ex-gratia payment that links Agent Orange to Liposarcoma. I don’t know how many civilians have applied. This civilian stayed with her grandparents within the five km zone. I have forwarded a copy to Merchant Law as they are handling the class action. These are two different things. The third push is for a public inquiry. I think the present mass in my leg has spurred me to act. If the money comes (and that is a big IF) then I will use some for my care over the next while and use some to spread the word about the linkages to chemical use and ill health. I was a long time waking up to the connection myself !! Barbara

I sent the below email (and am continuing to send) to elected Liberals in Canada. I am a “Liberal” and have been for many years. Perhaps you, the reader, could help me build the momentum on this project?

My provincial and federal political colleagues - my political family. I am Barbara and I was a behind-the-scenes worker for both the provincial (New Brunswick) and federal Liberals in my thirties, forties and early fifties. I am now fifty-six. I continue to donate financially but drew back from active involvement after acting as Director of Ops for Shawn Graham’s leadership. I now nurse part-time at the bedside, write and paint.

While I understand the game of politics, I know that the game often outweighs the common good. I believe it is time to think “out of the box”. I reach out to my political family with a request to do something.

I am heading to Mount Sinai in Toronto soon. Probable Recurrance Liposarcoma. It is one of those cancers associated with dioxins - specifically Agent Orange. I was an “innocent” - exposed to the spraying from Canadian Forces Base Gagetown since birth. I have had ambiguous health symptoms all my life; symptoms often knocked me down. I often blamed myself for having a weakened immune system. Then the subconscious slowly awakened my consciousness. Six years ago I had a foot long tumor removed from my right thigh. I saw it as “orange” - well before I understood the relationship to Agent Orange. Sound a bit nutty? I could not blame you if you raised your eyebrows.

I ask you to please go to www.shandarrah.com. Would you search out Soul Gifts: The World’s Self-Help Book? Would you order a dozen copies each? Then would you pass it around to your staff, family and friends and ask them for a report back on the book? Or perhas you might read it yourself over the Christmas holidays. I invested between $30-40 K on the message in this book. I have felt very shy about promoting the message though. With the arrival of a new tumour in my thigh I have decided to reach out as you never know, time could be short. Any profit from the book has been pre-arranged with my accountant for distribution between Doctors Without Borders/MSF and the approximately 75 North Americans and one woman from Bangladesh - common folk - who give their points of view/perceptions.

Seek the answers in the book to help the world get itself turned around. Position Canada as the leader in giving hope to the world. It is an achievable goal.