June 26, 2009  Peace of mind is one of the most vital aspects to our well being. Our "peace" is sometimes challenged. We can look at this from the individual but also the collective viewpoint. I will tell you part of my personal peace-quest. 

When I was an aldolescent I resided most of the summer months with my paternal grandparents on their farm in Maugerville, New Brunswick, Canada. This is within a five kilometer range of Canadian Forces Bases Gagetown (Camp Gagetown) where extensive spraying of Agent Orange/ Purple and White took place. In addition I have summered during infancy, pre-adolescent years and adult life at Grand Lake. It's anybody's guess if the spraying at Gagetown contaminated the waters of Grand Lake. I talked with a marine biologist about this and she said the possibility exists for contamination of the lower portion of the Lake. I have always been an avid swimmer in Lower Jemseg (lower Grand Lake) and we routinely heard the guns of Base Gagetown.

I believe I was exposed to Agent Orange most likely in Maugerville. And so, as a matter of principle and at the urging of activists, I registered for the Agent Orange Class Action. I also applied for an ex-gratia compensation with Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC). I have been turned down for the ex-gratia after appealing twice plus contacting the Minister of Veterans Affairs via a lawyer. (The Minister wrote to tell me diaries are not at this time accepted; all other paperwork had been sent in.) I support the call for a public inquiry as a means of helping others understand the implications of using large quantities of poisons. I also agreed to be interviewed by the New York producers/director of "Gagetown" - the documentary film submitted to the Toronto International Film Festival this year.

See Daily Gleaner coverage # 1 (double click)

See Daily Gleaner coverage  #2 (double click)

While other factors in my life have challenged my "peace" it is the periods of ill health over four decades that has left me "peaceless" by times. Diagnostic testing began at nineteen. Maybe I was developing arthritis or had mononucleosis? Maybe I needed eyeglasses. No? What then? In 1976, at 24 years of age and while pregnant for my first child, I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and Erythema Nodosom. By the age of 28 I was diagnosed with Fibrositis (now referred to as Fibromyalgia). I have since discovered that Sarcoidosis and Fibromyalgia are often diagnosed one after the other. In 1994 I needed a year off for Burn Out and Depression. Adenomyosis resulted in a partial hysterectomy at age fifty. In 2001 and 2008 I was taken off my feet with a cancer of the leg known as Liposarcoma. (This is a soft tissue large-tumor condition associated with Agent Orange as determined by the U.S. National Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine.) Liposarcoma is very rare so it' is interesting that I contracted the disease and was also in the area of spraying. A coiincidence? Or should there be a presumption that I was exposed to Agent Orange?

I have highlighted excerpts from my diaries of 1964 and 1966. There was a herbicidal spray drift accident in 1964 at Camp Gagetown. I pen in my thirteen-year-old hand writing how I helped with the haying, visited neighbouring Oromocto and generally enjoyed nature that summer. My June 24, 1966 entries indicate I was at the farm just seven days following Camp Gagetown spraying to test Agent Orange for the USA. Given the half-life of the poison I shudder to think of the implications to my health.

Read the girlish innocence - enjoying life on the farm: 

Diary Excerpts from 1964 are on file with Merchant Law.

Download Diary Excerpts from 1966 are on file with Merchant Law.

I believed ailments were "my fault".  I had dieted too much as I tried to emulate the sixties era Twiggy. I liked sugar. I smoked but chucked that habit years ago. If these weren't the roots of my ailments then what else could it be!  I was considered neurotic by some until the fibrositis (fibromyalgia) was diagnosed (and even then many doctors thought of my pain as phantom). Doctors. Insurance claims. Lawyers. Disability. Paperwork. More paperwork. Loss of income.

A woman recently wrote to me that the worst thing about physical illness is that it will make us feel emotionally weak. I encourage you to read this particular blog post .When I released Soul Gifts: The World's Self-Help Book I was just beginning to understand the implications of my exposure to dioxins and the probable relationship to my health.

I believe our bodies will only carry a certain "load". When the total load becomes too great then illness will occur. It is our responsibility to adopt an attitude of wellness and to do everything we can to live a healthy lifestyle. Coping becomes key. It is up to our leaders (I speak as a Canadian) to ensure safeguards are in place so that the air, food, and water is not contaminated. I pray for our leaders but also for the rest of us - that we come to understand that denial is one of humanity's strongest defence mechanisms. When we deny what is fundamentally harmful to us then healing of mind/body/spirit comes with much difficulty - if at all.  

Camp Gagetown always symbolized to me the quest for peace. My uncle Harry L. Gill was awarded the DFM and died for Canada in 1943 at the age of twenty. (See Hurricane Pilot ). It is ironic that the vast spraying at Camp Gagetown is associated with the lack of peace between me and my body.  I want better for my grandchildren.

Seeking peace I gravitated towards the arts. I found some of the lessons of Agent Orange in writing and painting. You can visit:

• Excerpts from Soul Gifts: The World's Self-Help Book. Read free here

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• Barbara's blog

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• The Colour of Reckoning -  This art exhibit was dedicated to the memory of Jim Cadger - a soldier and Agent Orange activist who is now deceased.

My stress level soared during the second cancer recovery. I have not bounced back as much as I had hoped. I  lost the security of my nursing position due to medical restrictions. My pocket-book has been hit hard several times in my life and this last disability has been no exception. I am not sure I am ready for the pasture but my body is telling me I am ! This challenges my inner peace; I must now open my heart to recognizing that peace can exist for me in that pasture where I can learn to live a different pace. I can "give up" or I can "surrender". I  best "surrender" because giving up is not really in my vocabulary; I decided  to invest in myself.  I hired a coach to help with my weight management as a starting point and will work up with exercise - climbing the wellness mountain again.

As of November 2009 I have been granted Canada Pension Disabilty. Blue Cross tells me they need MORE medical information. That's the game. Day at a time.

Agent Orange Association of Canada Inc.

Agent Orange Alert

Agent Orange Class Action.

BLOWBACK - A Canadian History of Agent Orange and the War at Home

Agent Orange - A Canadian Made Tragedy

Love Barbara

(Click here for graphical enhancement of the poem at Moondance )

FOR THE MAN FROM APOHAQUI

(For Frank McKenna)

Gently blow your breath,

a warm vapour

for the cold night's moon,

feel the lilt of Grandfather's laughter

skating across the river,

hear the cattle's muffled moan

and hungry, restless shifting

as we wade toward the barns

banked high with snow.

Coooooing, "Oh Bossy, Oh Bossy,

Oh Bossy, Oh,"

swing wide the red door and

light up the stalls,

scoop sweet-smelling feed

from rough, burlap sacks;

hay down and water,

watch the slow chewing, 

breathe easy in the stillness

before we turn to go.

Now join me in the farmhouse,

for a rest in the kitchen,

you take the cot

with Sailor at your feet,

I'll stoke the fire and

put on the kettle,

then rock for awhile

to a tune on the radio -

crocheting Grandmother's lessons

of fine lace

and peace.

(Copyright Barbara J. Gill 1991)